I have heard this phrase over and over as I am sure you have.  We have also come back with the natural comeback, “Life’s not fair.” But is it really that simple? I want my girls to know that if they don’t like something, that there are things that can be changed. Obviously, that can’t always be the case but that’s the problem. How do you teach them how to tell the difference?

Today I had this argument going on in my head. This is how it all went down: We were hanging out at Ashley’s softball game and enjoying ourselves. I love watching her play and have fun doing it. But lately she has been having issues with it. The reason is that they seem to keep changing the rules on the girls every game! Just 2 examples:

No running into pitcher when running home and you have to slide into home. Half the time the kids get out and half the time they don’t. So it makes it confusing for the girls. You have to be consistent. The girls see this inconsistency and the changes as unfair. My opinion is that they are right.

Because I believe they are right and I have seen the unfairness, I feel even worse. Before the game even ended, Ashley was in tears. I could see not only the frustration but the anger. On the way home, I tried to talk to her. I told her that she needed to let the coaches worry about that stuff and to enjoy the game. But then I began to wonder if we told all our kids this, who is going to learn to step up and change the world. I want her to know that in a situation like this, she has the right to take action. Afterall, someone has to!

Now my question for you. How do you teach your kids that they need to focus on the things they can control without holding them back?

Abuse is a very sensitive subject for me but at the same time it is something I will always fight against. I don’t want my daughters to experience the same battle I had to overcome. If they do, I hope they will have the strength to get out as well.

My story began like any other teenage romance. Boy meets girl,  flatters girl, girl thinks everything is perfect. He has won his way over with her family. Before the girl knows it, she was in way over her head. The only person that seems to matter in this world is the boy. The only friends she could talk to were his friends. She was slowly disappearing and she didn’t even see it coming.

Honestly, I don’t even know if my friends noticed the change in me during this time. I don’t know if it was a slow change or a sudden change. I just know that a change occurred and I wasn’t the person I used to be. I was like other teenage girls and had a low self esteem. But I was promised the world and believed it. I thought the abuse began with the first physical act. I didn’t realize the abuse began nearly from the beginning. The truth is: Most physical abuse doesn’t just start one day. There are warning signs. Signs that we often miss. It took me nearly a year after the first physical act to leave. I had even moved in with him. I was hundreds of miles from family. I had no friends to turn to. I was 17 and alone with a baby. I didn’t have a phone and when I could make a call they were never allowed to be private. I was living in fear.

If you don’t know if you are in an abusive relationship, ask yourself some important questions and be honest with yourself.

Does your partner…

• Have a short temper?
• Act very jealous?
• Exaggerate fights?
• Tell or suggest what you should wear?
• Try to limit who you talk to?
• Make you tell him/her where you are going and who you are with?
• Tell you when you have to be home?
• Put you down?
• Take up most of your time?
• Hurt you physically or throw things at you?
• Get angry when you disagree with them?
• Pressure you to engage in sexual activity that you feel uncomfortable with?
• Make you feel like you can’t say no to sexual activity?
• Embarrass you in front of others?

In the beginning, you may not even realize what’s going on. Your partner may just keep you too busy to hang out with your own friends. These are warning signs that you have to really look at. Be aware of them. If you feel you may be entering into an abusive relationship or there are warning signs you are concerned about, seek out a friend. Talk to someone you can really trust. If you feel that your in even more danger, then you can call the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474.

I know it isn’t always easy and it isn’t always possible. But know that you don’t have to be alone! I know it takes courage to want to leave. It is not easy to leave any kind of abusive relationship. Do not be afraid to turn towards your family and friends. Even if you have not talked to them in awhile, they will always be there. I learned this and found that they were my strongest supporters and provided the strength I needed. Then you need to focus on yourself and learning who you are again. Surround yourself with a positive support system. If you have weak moments, then they can be there for you.

If the abuser attends your school then discuss the situation with school officials. This is especially important if the abuser has threatened anything or even has you in fear. Always remember that it isn’t your fault. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you do not have someone you feel comfortable talking to there are hotlines that can help.

LoveIsRespect.org National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1.866.331.9474

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE(7233)

National Youth Crisis Line
1.800.442.HOPE(4673)

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE(4673)

National Center for Victims of Crime*
1.800.FYI.CALL(1-800-394-2255)*Monday-Friday 8:30am-8:30pm ET

On Fairytales and Tiaras, we will be discussing this more in depth. I will be sharing my story and how I got out. Fairytales and Tiaras will be live on Tuesday, April 27 at 5 pm EST. The replay will be available here shortly afterwards if you miss it. Next week on Girl Talk, I will be discussing steps to take if you suspect your teen is in an abusive relationship.

Having four daughters, I know that I have to worry about boys. The last thing I thought I’d have to worry about is other girls. It’s true though! I have to really worry about how cruel these girls can be. It’s terrifying. In the last couple years I have heard a lot about bullying. There are movies made about it like Lindsay Lohan’s Mean Girls, Michelle Trachtenberg’s Ice Princess and more. We hear about bullying in some form in the news frequently. It seems to becoming an epidemic that can hit our kids and hit them hard. So what do we do about it?

The first thing we have to do with bullying is look in the mirror. Are you a bully? Do you criticize others openly and frequently? Do you get a thrill out of making fun of others? Be honest with yourself when asking yourself these questions. The truth is that our children learn how to bully. This doesn’t mean that the parents are to blame. They may not just learn it from the parents. But as parents, we need to step up to the plate and protect our children even if that is from themselves.

Bullying is no longer a harmless act. Currently in the news is a story about a 15- year old girl, Phoebe Prince who was bullied and harassed over months. She eventually killed herself and now the bullies are being charged. A mom of one of the teens charged defended her daughter by saying, “saying she never lifted a hand against the tormented girl but just “called her names.” In my opinion, that shouldn’t have even been tolerated by a parent. She claims that Phoebe started it by calling her daughter names and having it turn into an argument.

Bullying isn’t just physical. Bullying occurs when someone intentionally hurts or scares another person and that person has a hard time defending themselves. Bullying happens over and over. Some examples of bullying are:

• Punching, shoving, and other acts that hurt people physically
• Spreading bad rumors about people
• Keeping certain people out of a “group”
• Teasing people in a mean way
• Getting certain people to “gang up” on others

If you suspect that your child is bullying someone or is being bullied by someone, you should act fast. If we work together as parents with the schools, we can put a stop to this behavior before others end up hurt. It isn’t going to be easy and there is no easy solution. Let’s face it, bullying doesn’t have an easy button! Tolerating any kind of bullying behavior is not the answer though. Justifying the abuse as a part of growing up is just asking for trouble.

Personally, I hope that my own daughters know that they can come to me if they are feeling bullied. I want them to feel safe going to school. I also want them to be compassionate and strong. If they see someone else being bullied, I want them to have the courage to stand up for that person. I also hope that as a parent, I can see the warning signs if they don’t come to me. Not just as a victim but as a bully. I don’t want to be in the position to have to watch my own child being responsible for another student harming themselves.

Now I’m curious. What steps do you think need to be made to prevent bullying? Do you feel that bullying is just a part of growing up? Why? Do you feel we need stiff consequences for bullies and those who ignore it?

This week I signed a permission slip for Ashley to go to the puberty talk in school. She is in the 5th grade. She also went last year. Parents are invited to attend as well. Last year she went as well. When I asked her if she’d like me to go, she turned more of a red color and declined. It was her first time and she was a little nervous. This year she is okay with me attending with her.

Personally, I think this is a great program. I went to it in the 4th grade and learned a lot. It was an excellent source of information even though we spent a lot of time giggling. I was scared and nervous when I first started puberty. This class had made it a little less scary. Ashley has also learned a great deal more. We have been very open about puberty and her changing body for awhile. It is very important to me to have this open dialogue with my girls. This class is just one more source of information for her to turn to and it has helped a lot!

Even though it would be ideal for all parents to be comfortable talking to their children about puberty, that is not the case. That means that these kids need someone to talk to them about it. They deserve the facts and not what other kids tell might tell them. This class gives them the opportunity to get these facts. It might also be easier for parents to have that door opened enough to get into a deeper discussion with their kids. It’s also a great way to lead into other delicate topics such as sex and your expectations.

I know not all parents feel comfortable with their children attending this class. I completely understand! It might be something you want to discuss at home and don’t feel it’s appropriate for school. This is what has me asking these questions:

What do you think about these classes being offered to our 4th-6th grade children? Would you or have you let your children attend? Have you attended with your children?

Ashley is in 5th grade. This is the second year that she has entered into the History Fair. For those who don’t know what the History Fair is, it’s a research project that kids enter similar to a Science Fair. The girls created an exhibit on Benjamin Franklin. Last year they did Christopher Columbus. I have enjoyed helping the girls when they need it but most importantly, watching them learn.There is more to the project than just trying to win something. It teaches kids valuable lessons that are extremely important.

Teamwork

Working as a team is a necessity and should be taught early on. It isn’t always easy to work as a team on a project because we are all so different. But by teaching the girls to really think about what they can offer and bring to the project will be an invaluable lesson. It helps the girls learn to identify positive traits in themselves and each other.

RESEARCH

This should be an obvious lesson. They will learn how to research topics using all sorts of sources. This will really come in handy when they go through the rest of school. It will also help teach them critical thinking skills that can be used even as adults. When the girls need a little guidance on how to research, I offer it to them. I show them different ways to conduct their research. I teach them how to use what they already know. Then I challenge them to find more. They have done this and it is a proud moment to see my own daughter talking about using Google or other research methods.

Of course there are more lessons that are learned. But this year I found that they were a little discouraged. Instead of being 100% proud of all the hard work they put into their project, they were discussing other’s projects. There seemed to be a common theme. PARENTS. So and so’s dad did their project or this person made it to Nationals because their mom did it. So let’s get this straight. My 5th grade daughter is competing against an adult! That does not sound right at all. I understand it is a huge project. I also understand that you want your child to succeed. But is it really their success when you did it? I don’t think so.

Honestly, I think this is damaging to a child’s confidence, self esteem and a huge hit to their pride. By completing projects or homework for them, they learn that their parents don’t believe they can do it on their own. When they are able to do it on their own then it teaches them so much more! Even if they fail. Last year the girls didn’t get the greatest score. They forgot some things in their checklist. So this year, they learned to really watch that checklist and make sure everything is there. This year they placed 3rd and made it to Regionals. How great is that! I was so incredibly proud. I could see their confidence just beaming. I kept reminding them over and over throughout the process that they should be very proud of themselves for doing it on their own.

So now I am curious. Do you think it is fair when a parent goes beyond “guiding” when it comes to tasks? Do you think that a parent just doesn’t realize they have taken over? What are your thoughts? Have you ever went over and beyond to help your child succeed?