Coffee Break with Mom April 15, 2010 The Baby Blues

It’s nearly 6 am. I have only been awake for 2 hours. But I woke up to two extra kiddos in bed with us and a leaking sippy cup. So I decided to get up and start a cup of coffee while I read in the tub. I recently started reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. I just read Dear John and actually liked it. I have also been reading The Secret. Now I’m trying to decide on another type of K-cup to try. I’m drinking Coffee People’s Donut Shop this morning. I have to say that I love being able to have a different flavored cup of coffee everyday!

So onto the real business at hand. Yesterday was my birthday. It was overall a good day. But like every other day that I have had in the last 6 weeks, I was in tears for part of it. I’ve never been one to put my negative feelings out there. Mostly because I truly believe that when I focus on positive things and try to laugh, it makes me feel so much better. It really does help but it doesn’t make the negative feelings just disappear.

Nearly 9 years ago, I lost my second daughter to SIDS. It was the first time I truly experienced depression. I’m not just talking about feeling depressed occasionally. I am talking about months of emotional pain that hurts like no other. The kind of depression that puts you into Zombieland. I had family and friends that helped a lot. I was on heavy antidepressants to help me sleep and get me through the day. I really threw myself into school and taking care of Ashley. She was the one thing in my life that kept me going. Knowing that if anything were to happen to me, she’d be alone. There was no way I could ever do that to her.

I eventually started feeling better. Days got easier and life was tolerable. I’ve heard people say that they don’t think they can go on after the loss of a child. But trust me, you can! You do what you have to do. I had to figure that out. Eventually I had another baby, Miss Isabelle. Even though I knew I would have a difficult time when she was born, nothing prepared me for reality. I would have severe panic attacks when she would sleep so soundly. If she went more than 2 hours at night, I’d wake up panicked. I was constantly checking her, touching her and just watching her. It was the first time I experienced Postpartum Depression, PPD.

I was put back on medication to help. After she turned a year old, I felt able to breathe again. It seemed like I had been holding my breath that whole year. I stayed home with her and refused to let her out of my sight for very long. I eventually started feeling better and was able to stop taking the medication.

Then I had two more babies. Each time I got PPD. The last time, I was on my way home and had to pull over. I just got hit with a panic attack so bad and started crying. It was scary. I went into a doctor and had been given medication. He said it would possibly get worse before it got better and that I couldn’t even take it while nursing. Yeah that medication wasn’t even going to be attempted! He didn’t even consider the medications that were safe for nursing! So I started eating better, exercising and just focusing on the positive. It really helped!

Now here I am. 1 month postpartum and still feeling the “blues”. I was expecting it especially after the preterm labor and having him early. I just knew I had to be proactive. When I start to feel down, I do things that will help turn my day around. I will turn on some music and dance with the girls. I will join in on random chatter on Twitter or Facebook. Anything to get my mind into a better place. It’s been working. But at the same time I find myself withdrawing from other things too.

Yesterday, I got a text from an online friend. This is a person that I don’t talk to on a regular basis but she knew something wasn’t right. She asked me how I was doing and told me she was a little worried. I was amazed that just when I needed someone, she was there. It was great. I am going to be getting some B complex vitamins today and going for a walk. The weather hasn’t been helping and I know the sunshine and warm weather will really help. She swears by the vitamins too.

So for the next week, I am going to be spending time outdoors when it’s nice. I will start taking the vitamins and eating better. I will also start working on starting an exercise routine. Next week, I will let you all know how I am feeling and if I notice any improvements. I am also going to go back to church this week. I will just have to keep Myles protected during services but it is something that gives me peace. I would also love to hear tips from all of you.

Have you ever had postpartum depression? What did you do to tackle it? If you’d like to share your story with a guest post let me know! I’d be more than happy to help you share it.